Drifting in Depression…

There is that point when you are swimming that you just lay back and let the water roll over your body; a liquid blanket that just barely covers you from the break into air, your face just barely making the journey from one state to the other: water to air… suffocation to life. The edges make shy flirtations into your breath, subtle threats to steal you away from the firmament. You can just lay there in limbo, only one inhalation from rising too far from the comfort of the water… only one exhalation from giving away too much air from your lungs and lowering to the depths.

That is how I feel just now, like I am just floating on the surface one breath away from two worlds–I don’t dare enter one too fully and I can’t stand the other… and I’m not merely content to float in limbo for too long. It’s depressing. I’m depressed.

12.94 miles…

Well, I’m going on two weeks and two days at my new home. It’s pretty good! It’s been a lot of work and it’s still got a lot of work left… but I really feel like this is my home, not just a place where I live, ya’ know?

There are aspects that make a location a home… the amount of time you spend doing things other than sleeping, the effort you put into it personalizing it, and most importantly… those that you spend your time with while at home. My apartment used to feel like that, but lately it just felt empty and a shell of what a home should really feel like.

It’s strange to me that such a simple thing as moving a mere thirteen miles seems to put things into a new perspective. Roads I’ve driven down a hundred times seem somehow more familiar… or more foreign. A building that has always looked so beautiful to me from one angle, shows the flawed foundation from a hind-view.

I’m not exactly sure what I will do with my future, but I know that for right now, I am where I should be, even though it’s not exactly where I thought or wanted to be…

Lyrics to a song…

I’m not one that typically puts the lyrics to a song on my blog… but I am listening to this song… and I just like it.

Emery
The Ponytail Parade

three sleepless nights
this isn't how it's supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time
to give back to me

I will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
but you changed me

but it doesn't feel right
holding someone else's hand
together on phone lines
and living at two opposite ends

it scares me to think that you could find takers
other than me and better than me
but your head is elsewhere
and I'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see it's not so easy for me

you careless and whispered
insulting and bruising
and I thought that you said
things were improving
these laces are untied
but my feet are walking away
(I fall from your eyes. Your eyes I trusted. You said forever)

I never thought you could say these words
is this really happening
(don't say that we can still be friends)

erase my name from this page
how can you take all these days
(what is inside me, what have I done)
and throw them away,
(is this the only way that you will notice me)
as I sit here waiting for you
(dead words for closed ears, all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights
(if you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(sides, your side, can take away)

walk away from me
this night is done

The little and big changes in life…

Wow… I’m so not good at blogging on a regular schedule. I hope to start doing so here shortly, but only God knows the way the wind will blow tomorrow.

 There have been so many things happening in my life recently! So… here’s a list… just to keep you updated.

Little Changes:
-Got my hair cut.
-Started growing a beard (again, but I think I’ll keep this one for awhile.)
-Ate out a whole bunch in the past three weeks, but still managed to lose eleven pounds.
-Discovered that having actual cold feet is worse than the nervous kind…
-Learned that painting is horrible and that I never want to do it again.
-The type of stove that I typically cook on… and discovered that a flat-top stove has a lot of special precautions.

Big Changes:
-Moved to Ft. Wayne with my friend Brett.
-Got a new job.
-Made lots of new friends in the process of the two above mentioned changes.
-Switched to bikini-briefs.
-Taking new steps to press onward personally and connectionally with God.

 The stress of all these changes happening in just a few short weeks really takes its toll, but I truly believe that even some things are quite how I would want them to be… that God is working in my life to bring glory and honor… and other people… to Him. I plan on going into a lot more detail about all of the big subjects in upcoming blogs, but I’m simply exhausted from work and still have so much to do around the house! …like putting up door handles in the bathroom so visitors don’t have to worry about Brett and I peeking on them in the WC.

Where’s the ice…

I’m having a stupid day. Ya know? One of those days where you just smack yourself because you’re an idiot. When I got in my car to leave for work today… I realized I had forgot to put pants on. When I was at work today… I asked a pregnant woman if her baby kicks and she said sarcastically, “No… my baby doesn’t have any legs.” My first response was, with all sincerity, “Really? Oh… uh… I’m sorry… does it punch?” My brain clicked like half a minute later when she was laughing at me… And the crown royal today was when I got into my freezer to get some ice for my lemonade and the ice tray was empty. I got really mad and yelled into the dark recesses of my ice box, “Who the heck forgot to refill the ice!” As soon as I said it… I realized I was the dumbest person alive. I live by myself and the only person that uses my ice is me. I forgot to refill it, yet I was so mad at a non-existent person. Just having a stupid day…

Direction…

I am the son of a noble truck-driver. I have a built in map inside of my head that leads me the right way all of the time. I can recall on one hand the number of times I’ve been truly lost while driving… even when I’ve no idea where I am. I can almost always figure out a way (even if it’s not the best way) to get where I am going and always know how to get back to where I left from. It’s just the way I am.

But now I am lost. I mean… I know where I want to go and I know where I’m coming from, but I have no idea how to get to either. Every path that I contemplate taking leads back to being lost. I can’t seem to find the road that will lead me to where I know I am supposed to be. Everything is marked as “road closed” or “dead end” and I don’t know how much more fuel I have until I hit empty. I hate being without the right directions…

God, help me to trust in you. Help me to follow you along the right path for my life as you reveal it to me. I know that you are the map-maker of the universe and that you know every curve and turn of my journey… help me to do what I know you’ve called me to do. God, I take joy in the fact that even though I feel lost, you’ve reached out and found me. I pray that you would ease the unsure pounding of my heart until it is in harmony with you. Humble me Lord, but support me in my humility. Amen.

Crying for selfish reasons…

I found myself in tears one day… and the more I cried, the more horrible I felt. Not for the reason I was crying, but for the sole fact that I can’t ever recall a time when I have wept for those who don’t have a relationship with Christ (except once for my brother.) It made me… feel dirty. I mean, here I am! A man desiring to be a pastor! A man who’s passion is for the lost! But a man who’s greatest passion is for his own selfishness.

Lord help me to be a man that weeps for those that are separated from you and a man that takes action to show your love to them by deeds and words. Father, help me to realign my passions with yours and to put death my selfishness. Father, strengthen me so that I might decrease and your name will be glorified in my humility. Amen

In the Book of Luke, it tells of Jesus coming to Jerusalem, seeing the city, and knowing that His people would reject him. And… [...he wept for it.]

Why do you cry?

I win…!

There seems to be a problem in my family… we spill stuff on our shirts. I know… that’s lame, but it never fails that one of us always gets something on our shirts when we go out to eat. My mother will spill some coffee on her tee-shirt. My dad will get BBQ sauce lathered on his horizontal-stripped polo. My brother will drop some lettuce on… well… whatever his wife makes him wear that day. Well… I won the other day! My mother, father, and I went to a Chinese buffet (always a problem for people that spill stuff) and they both ended up with food on their shirts, but, by the end of the meal, my shirt was still flawless. I know this sounds lame… but I noticed it when we were paying the bill and made a mental note to blog about it.

I love Spider-Man… SQUISH!

I am a Spider-Man fanatic. I’ve always enjoyed the comics, TV show, and even the movies… I just think it would be cool to have those awesome “spidey” powers. Well… that aside… there was this huge, I mean HUGE, spider just floating in the air by my friends car the other night. At least it looked like it was floating… it was dark and all we could see was this spider in mid-air. It was hovering and almost landed on my friends vehicle and he didn’t want to drive off with that on/in/near/looking at his car (he’s sort of a wuss like that… *wink*) I took off my flip-flops and smashed it sandal-samurai style. The moral of this story: Umm… there’s not one. I just told my friend that I would blog about it.

OH! Try this! (Pulling it out of my butt…) Moral of this story: Sometimes you have to put to death the things you like for the sake of getting where you need to go.

^^^pure genius^^^

I suck…

Ever feel like a failure? That everything you try to do isn’t good enough even though you work at it and put your passion into it? I’ve been feeling that way for at least a good three months… and, let me say, it sucks feeling like a failure. I’ve always had this image of how my life would be (I’m a paradoxical man. I’m super easy-going and carefree, but a massively detailed planner.) and it seems like every step I take towards that image, I fall into a pothole and bust my head open.

I guess even though I’m frustrated and feel like a loser, it’s good to know that God takes losers like me and does a good work through us. Some Biblical examples of this: Paul (Christian killer,) Peter (dirty stinky fisherman and denier of Christ,) Rehab (hooker,) Matthew (tax collector… enough said.)

John the Baptist says “He must increase, but I must decrease” ~John 3:30 HCS~

It’s good to know that even though I suck big time, Christ is my constant source of living water. I pray that I will get to the point where there is so little of me of left that people will only be able to notice Christ in me and because I’m not in the way, He can pour out on others through me for His glory.

[But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.] ~II Corinthians 2:9 HSC~