I love Spider-Man… SQUISH!

I am a Spider-Man fanatic. I’ve always enjoyed the comics, TV show, and even the movies… I just think it would be cool to have those awesome “spidey” powers. Well… that aside… there was this huge, I mean HUGE, spider just floating in the air by my friends car the other night. At least it looked like it was floating… it was dark and all we could see was this spider in mid-air. It was hovering and almost landed on my friends vehicle and he didn’t want to drive off with that on/in/near/looking at his car (he’s sort of a wuss like that… *wink*) I took off my flip-flops and smashed it sandal-samurai style. The moral of this story: Umm… there’s not one. I just told my friend that I would blog about it.

OH! Try this! (Pulling it out of my butt…) Moral of this story: Sometimes you have to put to death the things you like for the sake of getting where you need to go.

^^^pure genius^^^

I suck…

Ever feel like a failure? That everything you try to do isn’t good enough even though you work at it and put your passion into it? I’ve been feeling that way for at least a good three months… and, let me say, it sucks feeling like a failure. I’ve always had this image of how my life would be (I’m a paradoxical man. I’m super easy-going and carefree, but a massively detailed planner.) and it seems like every step I take towards that image, I fall into a pothole and bust my head open.

I guess even though I’m frustrated and feel like a loser, it’s good to know that God takes losers like me and does a good work through us. Some Biblical examples of this: Paul (Christian killer,) Peter (dirty stinky fisherman and denier of Christ,) Rehab (hooker,) Matthew (tax collector… enough said.)

John the Baptist says “He must increase, but I must decrease” ~John 3:30 HCS~

It’s good to know that even though I suck big time, Christ is my constant source of living water. I pray that I will get to the point where there is so little of me of left that people will only be able to notice Christ in me and because I’m not in the way, He can pour out on others through me for His glory.

[But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.] ~II Corinthians 2:9 HSC~

Consume me…

I think back to all my years at church camp and all the “awesome experiences with God” that I had at them. I remember times when I fell to my knees and wept… I remember times when I shouted His name at the top of my lungs… I even fell on the floor a few times and rolled about like I was a pig in mud.

I remember those one-week periods of my childhood very vividly, but the thing I recall most of all was the passion I felt on the bus ride home. I was going to save my school for Jesus! I was going to win my brother back to Christ! I was going to be Super-Christian and save the whole world! Wow… it’s amazing how I am seemingly lacking any memories of putting action to any of those emotions. (sarcasm)

I went to an Assembly of God church camp that was all about “refueling the fire” in teens for the upcoming school year. It was true that I did feel “on fire” for Christ while at camp and for a short period of time after, but that fire never failed to die within a week or two. I’ve come to find out, from talking to some of the people that I used to camp with, that that was the case with most (not all) of them. They got pumped up! Then fizzled out… Church camp was like pouring gasoline on a fire… it blazes really brightly and gets really hot until all the gas is burned up, then it dies if there isn’t any more fuel.

Why didn’t I ever stay passionate? Why is it that I always retreated back into my Sunday-morning Christian, instead of the awesome world-shaker I thought I was going to be? It’s because I never really gave my passion anything to feed on. I wasn’t willing to let God burn me up. I’d let him have some surface parts, but he couldn’t have everything. I’d let him have my actions all week at camp, but he couldn’t have my lust when I got home; he couldn’t have my TV time or my alcohol… he couldn’t have anything that I wasn’t willing to let go of.

I never put any action to my passion and starved the fire to death. But now… when church camp has long since passed, I realize that I want Christ to, not just set me on fire, but to completely consume me. I want Him to be able to burn away every thought, addiction, action, inaction, or emotion that is keeping me from growing closer to Him, until He alone is the source of my passion. It’s not an easy process… it’s a lifelong consumption of self.

“for our God is a consuming fire.” ~Hebrew 12:29

L.I.P…

I often think about how people will remember me when I am dead and gone. Will they think back fondly and recall my passion for Christ? My humor? My love? Or when they reflect on the life I lived, will they think of how little action I put to my passion? How my humor hurt others? How my love was conditional to the aide of my selfishness?

It’s not really a common practice anymore, but we all know the famous “R.I.P” that is stereotypically etched into the headstone of all those that pass on… and, when the time comes and my life on Earth is over, I think I’d rather be known for LIVING in peace, instead of a soul now resting in it.

Oh, I’m not talking about living a life free from conflict or struggle(because that’s impossible,) but living a life free off regret. I don’t want to be a man that looks back and says “There was an opportunity to help someone that I missed” or “Shoot… I could have showed them exactly how much I love them” or “I should have put more effort into college” or maybe… “Shoot… I could have showed them exactly how much CHRIST loves them.”

I’m not going to spend my life in misery because of the “I should have”s, I want to have a life of peace with my Maker and myself because I DID.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” -Colossias 3:15

Yup, it’s a poem…

I used to write a lot of poems in middle/high school, but I don’t do so very much now. I think it’s primarily because I don’t feel like I need to express my feelings in verse because I’m pretty open with them now, but here’s one… just for tonight.

“Making of a Tear” by me.

World filled with emotion,
Storms of coy illusion,
Utter confusion,
Drifting hearts are scattered,

Reality’s unclear,
In the making of a tear…

A new child’s first breath drawn,
He has his daddy’s nose,
Watch him as he grows,
A man to be proud off,

Nothing is quite so dear,
As the making of a tear…

Two souls still playing I do,
Heart break once again,
Love is uncertain,
Misery wears her crown,

Confusion leads to fear,
In the making of a tear…

Woman weeps for now lost man,
Laying with him in bed,
Her true love is dead,
All she knows is shattered,

Left alone without him here,
Is the making of a tear…

Graduation is today,
Robes on she walks the stand,
Degree now in hand,
A new life to begin,

Only hearing Grandma’s cheer,
Is the making of a tear…

Reasons left for crying eyes,
Joy or sorrow to choose,
To gain or to lose,
A world for weeping,

Truth is shown so very clear,
In the making of a tear…

Ta-da! It’s magic…

Well… it’s time for me to get down to business and start writing on my blog again. I mean… it seems like every time I think “Alright! I’m going to do it!” something comes up. But, and this is some good news, I’m now working a full-time regular schedule and I’ll finally be able to organize my time a little better, including blogging. I’m finally a first-shifter! *dances with wild abandonment*

I now work as a CNA at a nursing home less than five miles from my house and I for some odd reason… I really like it. It’s not easy sit-down work. It’s a lot of running and unpleasant smells; a lot of grumpy old men that curse and spit and a bunch of horny old women that pinch my butt and call me “big boy.” I had to buy new clothes and shoes. I sweat like a horse in the middle of Arizona (which is not that unusual for me, but it’s really bad at work.) And I work with some of the most crude and down-right unpleasant co-workers ever, but there are really good things about it too!

There’s a lot to do, so I’m never bored or feel lazy. Plus, I get loads of exercise from the all the franticness. There are a lot of older and wiser gentlemen that are just waiting for someone to share some of their experiences and memories with. Some of the men have fought wars in ten countries and still manage to fight cancer on a daily basis… AND they have better attitude about life than someone a third of their age. That’s the type manhood my generation seems to be lacking. Oh… and there are so many kind ladies that just need someone to take their hands and waltz down the hall with them… and it simply makes their day. They’ll literally go around and tell everyone that “that handsome young man danced the waltz with me like <enter husband’s name> used to. He’s so sweet.”  And I work with some of the greatest people. They bend over backwards to make you feel welcomed. They praise your accomplishments, help you fix and learn from your mistakes, and they can do it with a sincere smile.

While working at a nursing home is not my dream job, it’s a job that I can enjoy. Not only does it pay the bills, but it’s the type of work that will help me to learn patience and different experiences to prepare me to be a pastor. Yep… just thought I’d give you an update.

OH! And I can ride my bike there! That’s good because I save gas and lose my gut at the same time!

The slow death of Lola…

A very dear companion of mine is dying. She’s lost the capacity to open up to people. She, who once had a very sweet voice, no longer sings. She can’t even sit up straight anymore without help. She’s barely staying together… and I can’t afford to replace her…

Yes, I’m talking about my car. The driver-side door handle doesn’t work unless you jimmy-it the right way. The radio was stolen in November of 2005. The driver-side seat (yes, that’s what the inside of my car looks like…) broke last Sunday and is being propped up with a basketball. And there’s a few major problems that are about to turn her into scrap (i.e. my exhaust is hanging on to the car by sheer force of will it seems.)

It’s time for me to get a new car, except I don’t have the cash at the moment. But I’m trusting that God will provide. He always does. I know that it’s not always what I expect or what I think that I need… but it’s always what He knows I need. So, pray with me. Pray that God will open the right door for a new car (new to me at least,) a way to get a new car (being a better paying job,) a way to fix Lola, or for extra strength to ride my bike everywhere. Actually, just pray that God will provide according to his will.

Okay! This is the portion of the show where we ASK-THE-AUDIENCE! Please… tell us some of your horror experiences dealing with autos or some smoochy story about your first car! This could be fun…

P.S. Stay tuned for pictures of the dying Lola. (oh wait… they’re up now!)

Paper walls…

I like to think of myself as thoughtful. Not in the “Oh… Crap! It’s mother’s day! Uh… I bought you some flowers that look just like the ones that are mysteriously missing from the neighbors garden, Mama…” kind of thoughtful. But rather the deep-thinking, reflective-meditation, philosophical-pondering type of thoughtful. A man of mind… A person of perception… and other prideful adjectives that I’m sure fit me to a tee.

Well, every-so-often, since I’m a thinker, I like to reflect on my life. I take a little bit of time and look back at what I’ve done and how I’ve changed in an effort to better understand myself and see areas that need improvement. It usually takes a car ride, but last month it took me a week. A whole week! It started as a simple list one night at my desk and turned into a massive collection of papers that ended up taped on almost every inch of wall-space I have. I basically mapped out my entire life in an attempt to trace my path in to person-hood.

It was an interesting study. I learned a lot about how the types of decisions I make affect myself and others around me and how uncontrollable events (ie: death of my grandfather, death of my sister, national events, ect…) affect the decisions I make. It’s really a long and convoluted story that I will gracefully spare you the details of, but I think it’s important that we all take a little time to reflect our individual stories. Spend a few minutes or hours… or even days if you feel like it… and take a glance at the choices that made you.

Hip-Hope…

What is hope? We hear about it all the time… “Project HOPE makes health care available to the poor all over the world.” “Now faith is the assurance of things HOPED for, the conviction of things not seen.(Heb. 11:1)” “I HOPE you feel better very soon, Grandma.” But do we really know what it means to have hope?

Webster’s defines HOPE as “to desire with expectation of obtainment” or simply “to trust.” Yet, we live in a world that corrupts that definition and worse… corrodes the very idea itself. How can we have hope when we see millions die of disease, neglect, and war every year…? How can we trust when people are constantly lying to and manipulating each other…? What is there to be hopeful about?

I truly believe there is no hope in the world. None.

But that’s why it is incredible that there is hope in Christ. When we stop saying no to Him, and allow access to our heart… hope is birthed in us. We can trust in the promises of God because he NEVER FAILS. When we rely on this sin-stained world, our hope is worthless. “So are the paths of all who forget God; And the HOPE of the hypocrite shall perish, Whose confidence shall be cut off, And whose trust is a spider’s web. (Job 8:13-14)”

Jesus is the only thing (well, he’s a person really) worth having hope… trusting… in. That HOPE will “…not put us to shame… (Romans 5:5)”

Lamentations 3:21-24

“But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.””

Disappointed morality…

I found out a few weeks ago that my favorite high-school teacher was arrested for “child seduction.” The whole incident happened about a year ago, but he was just sentenced last month. It really blew my mind… It completely shocked me. I mean… it just ruined my day.

The thing of it is that I was really close to this teacher. He was a friend. I was his student aide for two years and I really valued him as a teacher and as a person. We had long talks during his prep hour about history, society, politics, and all sorts of stuff… not the least of which was morality.

I can vividly remember having a conversation with him about teacher/student romance. He said that he thought it was “disgusting” and that people like that shouldn’t be allowed near a school. There were a few teachers that married students right after they graduated and he even opposed that very adamently…

But during his trial he showed no remorse. He even said he loved and still loves the victim. Even though their relationship was as consensual as a relationship between a grown man and a high-school girl can be… it was wrong and at one point I know he knew that. It just makes me wonder about what could have happened in the two years since I’ve been in contact with him that could cause his view to fall so far.

I was talking to a friend of mine about it and he asked me a question… “Is he a Christian?” I thought about it and had to answer no. My friend then told me that it doesn’t matter how good a person is or how high you think their morals are… without Christ their morality is trash. That honestly hit me harder than finding out in the first place.

Sin corrupts the best intentions or the most lofty ideals. A person can strive to be good, but without having the righteousness of Christ that comes with salvation… their righteousness is like a “filthy garment (Isaiah 64:6.)” The morality of man is a thing of illusion. It’s comforting to do “good” things because it helps us think we are less evil, but at the end of the day we are still corrupt men walking around in a disgusting diseased coat of sin… we just added some cheap perfume.

What do you think?